In Memory

One year ago today I was sitting in a hospital room with my grandma. She had been admitted in the hospital and the prognosis was not good. My aunt had come from Colorado, and we were all taking our turn at the hospital. My mom and aunt had gone home to rest for a minute and have something to eat. I arrived and my grandma looked horrible. She had not woken up since the night before. When she was awake, she wasn't really with it. It was so hard to watch a woman who worked until she was 75 be so helpless. So, I sat with her. I held her hand. I told her it was ok - if she was hurting that we we would be ok. Tears quietly ran down my face as I whispered to her. Then, I couldn't hear her breathing. She was having such a hard time when I came in that it was a significant difference. I was so scared. She wasn't breathing and I was alone. I ran into the hallway and got a nurse. I wasn't necessarily scared that she was dying. I was scared that no one was here, and I knew my mom and aunt would want to be there to say goodbye. The nurse came back in with me and checked the vitals. They weren't good. She told me to sit with my grandma and hold her hand and comfort her as she was about to slip away. I tried to call my mom, but her phone was busy. All I could think to myself is - Who doesn't have call waiting. Seriously. I called my sister and reached her. What I said is a bit of a blur. She was in Fairport eating dinner and was rushing to be with me. I remember telling her that grandma was gone. No one in my family had ever died before. At least not anyone close to me. I sat with her as tears continued to flow. I told her it would be ok and I was here with her. I remember her taking one more breath, and then she was quiet. I knew the worst was to come. Everyone would be coming here and it would be awful. I shared a beautiful moment of peace with my grandma that no one will ever understand. I called my mom's one last time. It rang. I handed the phone to the nurse because I just couldn't tell my mom that her mom was dead. The nurse told my mom to get there right away. She then said that she was going to clean up the room before everyone arrived. I stepped out to get some air. In the middle of all this I called Tom and knew he was on his way. As I stepped out of the elevator, my brother, his wife, and daughter were walking in just to visit grandma. When they saw me they knew. My sister-in-law grabbed me. As we hugged, Tom walked in. I ran to him and he held me tighter than he ever had before. He took me outside for some air. As we were standing outside, my mom and aunt pulled up. As my brother had known by looking at me, so did my mom and aunt. They screamed and cried no. My mom fell to the ground. I had never seen grief like that in my life. I was so hurt for them. My aunt grabbed my hand and forced me up to her room because I don't think she really believed it. My mom couldn't bring herself to go in the room. I had to hold her up. I was so sad for my mom. My aunt kept grabbing me and yelling, "The baby, The baby. She had to go through this all on her own." I assured her I was ok and that grandma went peacefully. Which she did.

The whole experience showed me how strong I really am. I held my aunt together, which is not an easy task. My motto and mantra for the family was "power through". I knew there were certain things that we needed to do and none were going to be easy. Today, we are all ok. Still sad, but ok. I miss my grandma. I wish I could call her one more time. Sit with her for one more hour. Have her send me home with a box of crafts just once more. Don't we all when we lose someone? I have verbalized this story very little. Like I said, I've never had lost someone close to me, let alone had to watch it happen. The pastor at my grandma's church hugged me the day of the funeral and told me that I was chosen. Chosen by my grandma and the angels to escort her to heaven. I like to think so.

I love you grandma.