New Rules

I received these in an email and they express many sentiments that I feel, so here you go...


New Rule #1: Stop giving me that popup ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky.

New Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule #6: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #7: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
halfsoy, halflow fat, iced vanilla, doubleshot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweetn'Low and one NutraSweet," ooh,
you're a huge a$$hole.

New Rule #8: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #9: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of you're a$$
and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
not spiritual; you're just high.

New Rule #10: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #11: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #12: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place; It's because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #13: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's a version of looting.

New Rule #14: and this one is fifty years overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule #15: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Waiting for the Blizzard

Well, it is almost 11 pm and the snow has not started yet. It will. We decided that since the weather is not looking so promising for the next few days, we are staying home for Thanksgiving. At first I was disappointed because I was looking forward to seeing my family, but now, I'm excited. I went the grocery store tonight and bought a feast for two. On the menu - ham, potatoes, corn, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and apple cobbler. I know, I know - no turkey. That's right, there's not. Unfortunately, because we decided to stay home today, I couldn't get a turkey in time to thaw it for cooking. So, ham it is.

I look forward to being "snowed in" and spending our first Thanksgiving as husband and wife together.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

The Times They Are A Changin

I am happy to report that my dear husband started his new job last night! Congratulations to him! I think he was kind of happy to re-enter the work force. Although it was tough when he walked out the door, and I was left in the silent house. The first night was weird, but I think I will like having some time to myself. I took a walk to the grocery store, picked up dinner, cleaned the kitchen, and baked cupcakes. I then relaxed and read a book - for pleasure. Something I have not been able to do for quite awhile, but now that school is done for the semester, I have the time.


I am also going to work out after work on the evenings that Tom is working (that sentence had a lot of "works" in it).


I think this may actually be good for me. I will miss him, though.

Ok, You Can Laugh Now!

I know I'm clutzy. I have been my whole life. If some strange accident is going to happen to someone...it will be me. Case in point - last night's trip to Wal-Mart.

Tom and I decided to buy one of those huge four wick candles ( they were only $5!). So, I am picking them all up to smell them. Well, part of the problem is that I am sick and can't smell a thing. So, I had the candle right up to my nose. For some reason, my hand slipped off the candle and it hit me right in the mouth. So, now, I'm crying, bleeding, and laughing in the middle of the candle isle. Tom is just staring at me to see what my reaction is going to be.

I must say thank you to my wonderful husband for asking me if I was ok and not laughing at me until I started laughing. I can't say that I could've been as nice. I have compassion, but I'm sure I looked rather ridiculous!

I've hit a low on the self-esteem scale

I know we all go through phases when we love ourselves and then have the times when we just can't stand to look in the mirror. I am in the hate phase. Lately, I have been down in the dumps about my weight, my hair, my skin, my clothes....you name it. I'm not posting this to fish for compliments. I have had this on my mind for the last week or so, and I just need to get it off my chest. Tom and I went to pick up some fall/winter clothes at the Kohl's sale and I didn't like anything I tried on, and this is the incident that started my downward spiral.

The thing that makes me the most angry is that I am the only one who can do anything about the way I look and feel. I know that I should eat better and exercise. I just have no discipline to actually do it. I sit here and write this and feel so stupid because I have the answer...I just don't do it. I want to. I just don't. Then, I get into the cycle of just feeling bad about myself. The worst part is, I'm a bit scared. I have been having some trouble feeling my toes. I know that it is weight related. My frame is too small to be carrying the weight that I do. I am afraid that I will have some serious health issues if I don't do something about this. I want to have children some day, and I could have some serious issues if I don't get myself healthy. I just have to put my mind to it and take care of myself. I think I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know where to begin.

That's Why They Make Menus?

Ok, I don't think I'm going to post about my mundane life anymore - because it is just that: mundane. And boring.

So, I am going to comment on The Apprentice last night. Donald Trump is a wack job. His antics in the Board Room last night were hilarious. He comments that he is amazed that Clay is gay and he is the last to know. He then proceeds to ask Clay just to make sure he is gay if he is attracted to Alla or the other girl on the team. Clay, of course, says no. Then The Donald says, "Well, that's why they make menus in restaraunts. Some people like steak and some people like spaghetti." Ok, that was the first set of antics that made me almost fall off the chair laughing. Second, The Donald point blank asks Adam if he is a virgin. Talk about an awkward moment. Adam, of course did not feel comfortable answering - obviously because he is, and that's ok. Donald then proceeds to tell him that sex is good and in 10 years he will be way more comfortable with it. The best part, however, is when Donald Trump goes onto explain how sex has gotten him into a lot of trouble and cost him a lot of money. It was absolutely hysterical! It almost made you forget he was an uptight millionaire businessman.

By the way, Clay did not say that Adam was a "tight ass Jew" He said he was a tight Jew, which, for the record, I think he meant "uptight". What astonished me was that Adam was offended when he had exploited the fact that he was a sweet innocent Jew from the beginning of the talk. And, did anyone else catch Clay's comment when they got in the elevator, "Don't even speak to me." Then, he pushed the door to the loft open in a very angry manner. Come on, Clay - did you really think that the team wasn't going to turn on you?

Finally, does Markus remind anyone else of Mr. Buckey? I'm kind of sad he is gone. Just as I would be sad to not hear stories from Mr. Buckey about alien cats and the people that live on the other side of the moon. My favorite part of the show was when Markus was playing with toys in front of the class while they were teaching. Way to go, Markus.

I don't have anything too fun to say about the Martha Apprentice except that I would give an ovary to share a muffin with her at her home in Bedford!

Um, yeah, that's my print job

So, my computer at work still is not set up for me to automatically print to my printer. I have to manually change the printer every time I print. Well, today I was working on a project that required me to print every fax cover sheet ever made up here (trust me it's a lot). I highlighted every document, right clicked, and hit print. The good news is...it's all done. The bad news is...I printed the entire stack of documents to my old department. They were trying to have a meeting and the printer is right in the office.

Karma, baby, karma!

Please just stop talking

Ok, I know that I talk a lot - so for those of you who get irritated with me, you can call me a hypocrite. I work with really really really great people. However, there is one woman who continuously talks and talks and talks. About everything. Then, when you try to get a word in to actually make it a "conversation"....forget it.

I hate to complain because I really like it here, but I just want to walk away right in the middle of conversations (a term I use loosely).