New Rules

I received these in an email and they express many sentiments that I feel, so here you go...


New Rule #1: Stop giving me that popup ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky.

New Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule #6: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #7: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
halfsoy, halflow fat, iced vanilla, doubleshot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweetn'Low and one NutraSweet," ooh,
you're a huge a$$hole.

New Rule #8: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #9: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of you're a$$
and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
not spiritual; you're just high.

New Rule #10: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #11: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #12: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place; It's because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #13: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's a version of looting.

New Rule #14: and this one is fifty years overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule #15: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.